The decision to have a contract or not is something that varies between couples. For every person that says they are worthless, there is another person saying they are an absolute necessity. That being said, let’s talk a little about the who, what, when, where, why, and how of D/s-BDSM contracts.  For the purpose of this article, I will use the terms contract and agreement interchangeably, to indicate a mutually agreed upon written document.

 

There are a great number of people following this life path, who have decided to use some form of a contract in their relationship.  I, myself, have used everything from a highly detailed 25 page document which was signed and witnessed, to a simple statement scrawled on a slip of paper, to none at all.  The decision to have one or not, and what form it takes if you choose to have one, is a personal choice.  Some like the concept of contracts as a written guide on which to chart progress.  Others see it as restrictive, a method of boxing oneself into a preconceived ideal.  Only through understanding the purpose, variety and pros and cons of contracts, can we decide if it is right for us, and the relationship we currently in. 

 

Ok, so what exactly is a D/s-BDSM contract?  In its simplest form, it’s an agreement between the participants, to engage in a specific type of relationship.  In that, it’s no different than an employment contract or wedding vows.  All three acknowledge a specific relationship and outline, in a varying amount of detail, how each signer will participate in that relationship.

 

A BDSM contract, sometimes called a scene or play agreement, is used to outline likes/dislikes, limits and expectations between two (or more) people for the purpose of play.  It doesn’t need to take into account anything more than play parameters.  I know of many people who use one of the various “BDSM Partner Checklists” to serve as this agreement.  Others design their own in order to be more specific as to what each partner will and will not do.

 

A D/s contract, or a slave contract, tends to be more detailed.  This type of document normally sets out the blueprint for the relationship.  A D/s contact often includes everything from what each partner has the right to expect from the other, to what practical provisions will be made within the relationship.  It could be as general as covering the basic tone of the relationship, or as specific as detailing daily routine.  Your contract can be a guide, or it can be a manual, depending on what you and your partner are most comfortable with.  I personally would advise that whatever type of contract you chose, you do not leave it open ended.  Determine the length of time the document, as written should stay in force before it is revisited and revised.  Remember that your relationship will constantly grow and change.  If you use a contact or agreement, it is important to make sure that it grows and changes along with you. 

 

When should you start thinking about whether or not to use a contract?  There are those who write up some form of agreement from the very beginning of their association.  Once a decision is made to work together toward a D/s relationship, an agreement of intent may be written.  This is usually a general outline of what you look to accomplish during this period of familiarizing yourselves with each other within a D/s dynamic.  It normally extends for a period of about three months.  This tends to be a very good time frame for this type of agreement.  It gives the pair enough time to get a feel for their compatibility without holding back the relationship or outgrowing the agreement. There are as many who dislike the idea of an agreement of intent as those who like it, so again, it is something only you and your partner can decide.

 

A large portion of those in D/s, who utilize contracts, wait until just before their Collaring to write one.  Often, the contract signing becomes part of the Collaring ceremony, or immediately precedes it, the way you sign a marriage license just before the actual wedding ceremony.  Others, who had decided not to use a contract, find that the normal difficulties that arise in a non-traditional relationship can be clarified by writing them as part of a formal agreement.  These couples will often opt for a contract several months into their union. (I will talk about what goes into a contract later in the article)

 

Whether you chose to have a simple statement or a detailed contract, each partner should keep a copy of it and refer back to it throughout its lifespan.  Having chosen to have a contract, it just makes sense to use it as the valuable tool it can be.

 

The big question is why should you have a contract.  To be honest, I can’t tell you why you should have one.  I can, however, tell you why others before you have chosen to have one.  When written properly, and with due thought, a contract can be a wonderful asset to a D/s relationship.  It is both a guide and a progress chart.  It clarifies needs and expectations.  It is a reference to look back on to remind you of the direction you planned your lives together to go.  It can be a security blanket of sorts if contingencies are made for health care and financial arrangements in case the relationship does not work out.  It defines how you see D/s. The process of writing up a contract helps lessen future need for compromise, as the compromises come out during contracts development.  A contract solidifies each partner’s role or place within the relationship.

 

Detractors of the use of contracts have some valid points too.  Some feel that a written agreement of any kind is restrictive, and doesn’t keep pace with the growth of the relationship.  Others look at a contract and feel that it is a direct assault on the concept of trust in a D/s relationship.  The thought process here is, ‘if there were trust, we wouldn’t need to put things in writing’.  Another line of thinking among anti-contract proponents is that it aids in setting the relationship up for failure.  It is thought to do this by putting in place an easy ‘out’.  If times get rocky, (and when don’t they in any relationship), one can go back to the contract, find something not being adhered to, and use that as an excuse for leaving the relationship.  And finally, many consider writing a D/s contract a moot exercise.  A D/s contract will not hold up in a court of law.  There have been a few court cases, where the financial aspects of the contract have been upheld, but in general, it is not considered a legally binding agreement.

 

When determining if a contract is right for you, take the time to look at all the pros and cons you can both come up with.  Then weigh the benefits against the detriments as they apply to you.  It’s a good idea to remember that there is no law that says, if you start with a contract, you can’t mutually agree to abandon it later.  There is also no law saying you can’t incorporate a contract at any time during your D/s relationship.  It will be just as valid to you both regardless of when you decide to use it.

 

How should you write a D/s contract?  Start with the period of time you want the document to cover.  My personal advice is to use a time span of three months if your relationship is very new.  Your relationship will evolve at it’s own pace, and as you can’t account for future events and their impact, shorter time frames early on just make more sense.  After the initial time frame is up, sit down and look at the contract, take out what no longer applies, and add those things your personal evolution didn’t initially account for.

 

Have a goal and a purpose for everything you include in your contract.  This is not the time poetry and flowery speech.  If you choose to include any financial arrangements,  be specific.  “The Dominant will handle all finances and take care of any arrangements needed” isn’t going to cut it.  It is most important to remember that a contract is not just a list of those things that are expected from a submissive or slave. A contract is between two (or more) parties, not just one.  It must also include what responsibilities and actions the Dominant is going to take. 

 

If the contract is designed with a great deal of thought and communication, it will leave few ‘grey’ areas that could become contentious. There are things though, that can make this marvelous tool a hindrance rather than a help. Be specific about what each expects from the other. Wording that is too vague immediately negates the whole purpose of the contract. For example, rather than saying ‘the submissive shall obey the Dominant in all things’, a way to assure a bit more success would be: ‘the submissive will follow the rules and training that the Dominant provides.’  We cannot hold another responsible for that which we have not told them are their responsibilities. On the other hand, being too specific is setting ones submissive up for failure, while insuring that you will have to be a 24/7 police officer to insure that all the details you have laid out are being followed!

 

If you use common sense, thought, and communication, it will be easy for you, as part of a relationship, to decide if a contract is right for you. If it is, the same things will help you design one that will work for you.

 

CONTRACTS

The Who-What-When-Where-Why